Cold feet.
August 13th, 2008 by KimOh no. Not this again.
Maybe it was dinner last night with good friends I won't see for many months, or the phone feud over a relationship gone sour at least in part because, next week, I will be leaving for another coast, another time zone, another life phase for at least three years.
It's not excitement, really. It's a mixture of anxiousness and inevitability.
And still I haul out the boxes and go to the basement for my suitcases and check my flight time over and over and plan for my last day of work on Friday, convincing myself that graduate school is the only -- the inevitable -- next step.
For those who have the luxury, going to college after high school isn't a question. My parents, bless them, were adamant that I should go away to the mainland, so it was only a question of WHERE on the mainland I would be.
I ended up in Williamstown, Mass., where there is never real rice in the dining hall, where Hawai‘i is still considered exotic and foreign, and where temperatures dipped to -20 degrees during my first February there. The school had 2,000 students. Total. The town had a handful of decent restaurants, a coffee shop, one main street and one stoplight. I'd say it took me about a year and a half to get used to the place. It would have been fairly easy to pick up and leave or transfer after that first horrible winter.
But, with my parents and friends behind me, I stuck it out. I truly believe the experience made me a better, stronger person, less afraid of the uncomfortable and the unknown.
Choosing to return to graduate school was a little different. I like to think I made the decision a little more independently this time around, and plus, whereas for me, NOT going to college was never a question, not going to grad school was.
At graduation in 2006, I never thought I'd be back in the academic world so soon. It's bizarre to me that I feel this way about leaving Hawai‘i, since I wanted to stay on the East Coast after graduation. Now I understand why Barack Obama always returns to this place.
There were many other questions: whether to stay in Hawai‘i for grad school, which school to go to, which COUNTRY to go to, what kind of program to go into, and WHEN I should go. And ... whether going back was worth exhausting my savings and returning to the life of a starving student for another couple of years. "If you don't go back now," people said, "you'll probably never go."
I got in, deferred one year to work at the Advertiser, and paid my deposit for fall 2008 in January.
In the end, I decided to go back, knowing that I am passionate about China and international relations, and realizing that a liberal arts B.A. -- especially one in political science and Chinese -- means a lot less than it did 10 years ago and probably in 20 years won't mean much more than a high school degree does now.
But even as I pack my bags for Washington, D.C. this week, there are still questions. Money, for one, and whether I would benefit from another year of work experience, as another. But namely: even if I get an M.A. in China Studies, what the heck am I going to do with it when I eventually move back home?
I feel, appropriately, that I am currently caught in the eye of the dreaded Quarterlife Crisis, that gnawing uncertainty about school, career and relationships that seems terribly petty ... except to any 24-year-old contemplating a life relocation or career change.
I'm not about to turn back now. And looking over all the encouraging comments and emails, my course catalog, and yes, even summer homework, I feel reassured that this is the right decision right now. But I think it would a disservice to Quarterlife Cafe if I didn't admit that leaving my job and leaving my life in Hawai‘i is giving me a bad case of cold feet.
Tags: college, graduate school
August 13th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I finally decided to write a comment on your blog. I just wanted to say good job. I really enjoy reading your posts.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Kim follow your instincts. Higher education is a worthy cause for sacrifice. Even if you are unsure of what you'll use your M.A in Chinese studies for, its what inspires you right? thats where your passion lies. Cold feet is a part of the journey. Im confident that when you get back into college life you'll adjust very quickly due to your first experience. Sounds as if you just need reassurance..but not really cause you know youre doing the right thing.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Kim, for what it's worth, I think you're making the right decision. More education is always better and you're right about being non-competitive with just a Bachelor's. Regardless of your eventual career, successful people hold you in higher esteem when they learn that you have more education.
We never met at Iolani, but I'm cheering for a fellow alum. Be sure to enjoy yourself in D.C. and best of luck!
August 13th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I hear that there are grad schools here in Hawaii Nei.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
You'll do great. I waited a few years before I went to graduate school and found that I was driven and focused, unlike my undergraduate years. I think that gave me an edge over students who went uninterrupted from undergrad. This is also a very critical time in the world's history not just with respect to relations between countries, but more specifically the Asia-Pacific region, especially China. Issues such as intelligence, terrorism, security, economic dependence, etc., vis a vis China, will need to be addressed throughout the milenium and the U.S needs bright minds to help sort them out. Your choice of study and timing is perfect and you'll have a great career whatever that may be.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Kim, you are totally making the right decision. There is no future in the Advertiser and very little upside in remaining in Hawaii at this point in your life you have way too much to accomplish before "packing it in"
Secondly, going back to school is not a step back, especially when you are going to Hopkins. That is the ticket into the big time. And once you are done and once you punch your ticket, then you can make an impact on this world, whether it's just your friends and family or something a bit broader in scope.
Good luck and have fun with it all. You will reach a point in your life when you can't take risks and go after adventures the way you can now.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
A Master's degree puts your resume near the top of the pile when you apply for jobs, that's great. Even if the job isn't totally specific to your area of study. I did the same thing as you, but in reverse. At age 23, I moved to Hawaii to go to grad school at HPU. I didn't know anybody but made friends quickly. Grad school is great because the students really WANT to be there and people are more motivated than college. I don't know you personally but you seem like one of those rare people that will probably always be fine, whether it's getting the right job, right spouse/partner. If I were you I'd also leave Hawaii, it's so tough to live on Oahu at times and those few hours at the beach on the weekends just aren't cutting it anymore, not when you have to sit in traffic, deal with congestion, deal with the brain drain of so many citizens and government enteties. You'll be fine.
August 13th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
"Cold feet" is only natural when making any big move/life change.
If the thought of a three-year commitment seems scary, then maybe just think of it one semester at a time.
All systems are Go! for this semester, so don't look back and try to enjoy every moment without second-guesses. When the time comes to make another commitment, you can always re-evaluate then.
For now, all signs indicate you made the right decision so be confident in the fact you have our support!
August 13th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
With all of the doubts you raised, it sounds more like frost bite. Even the brave make mistakes. Furthering your education is sometimes a good idea, but in your case, I think you aimed too low. Why return to that same po-dunk town and same po-dunk school? And why spend so much money when you have such doubts. Aim higher, but commit after you are clear of the path to take. Throwing money at a degree, even if the degree is obtained, won't necessarily bring happiness. Go out in the world and fall on your face a few times, then dust yourself off and before you know it your life will have direction. It seems like you are returning to school because you feel like that is what you are supposed to be doing. Truly motivated people, like yourself, will find success regardless. Don't spend the money until you have a lot more conviction. The people close to you probably are torn to tell you the truth, and while trying to be supportive probably compromise their inner feelings. You can go back to school anytime, but now isn't the time, and that isn't the place.
To think I'm giving this great advice away for free. Well, I think you have a bright future, even if you are currently confused.
August 13th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
When I was your age - I felt the same way, went away from Hawaii the same way, got the same comments from everyone, had the same thoughts. One comment that stuck, was that and older mentor said "Hawaii will always be here. 2, 3, or 4 years away will not be big deal later in life and will enrich you greatly". I thought "yeah, right" and just pushed it off as some old guy that didn't understand and I will lose touch with everything and everybody.
You know what? Now that I am older (15 years later)- looking back - he was right! Also, you will realize later that the Iolani (and Hawaii) network is very strong and if you return - it will be like you never left. I wish I just savored those years a little more - "carpe diem"!
August 13th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
#9, I dunno, Lava. At this point, there are two scenarios of regret:
1. Change mind, stay in Hawaii, possibly regret the decision, lose out at least a year or reapply and not get back into the school, thus not knowing the experience she missed out on; or
2. Go back east, possibly regret the decision, move back home, start a new or same job in journalism, in a town and industry with which she is familiar and in which she has contacts; BUT having known that graduate school was not the right move, or; knowing that particular graduate school or discipline was not the right decision at the time, continue to work in journalism back east/Hawaii and build on her resume and/or attend another school or enroll in another program.
August 13th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
I forgot to add that scenario #2 is so much of a better outcome.
August 13th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Your post on "cold feet" just described pretty much my experiences, especially the relationship part (same age too). I will be finishing up my masters in Berkeley this coming school year and I am planning to enroll in another Masters program on the East Coast. The advices above are all legitimate, I've heard the same ones said to me. In the end, I chose to go to Grad school immediately after undergrad. Some people said I was to young but I felt I had enough experience to handle the ambiguities of life. Some people have the "right age" but never really experienced much and some are "too young" but overcame numerous of life's adversities. There is no "formula" for the "right decision" because as soon as you decide on one, you open up other possibilities, including failure and success. I want to leave you with a quote that resonates to this experience, given to me by my professor, concerning life. "Maturity is sometimes defined as a tolerance for ambiguity; and ambiguity is a voyage into the unknown, in a leaky boat, under a lowering sky, for a haul that may not bear examination. To change Elliot a bit, 'young wo/men should be explorers,' and when explorations ceases, you're not young anymore, and you may not even be a wo/man anymore.' I only hope that with the education you are so privileged to receive you understand that education is to learn, love and understand your fellow human beings. Good luck in the East Coast.
August 13th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
DC should click immediately for you, but if not, give it some time. It's mostly made up of transients. Very few locals. Lots of single 20 and 30 somethings, all moved to the area to find fame, fortune or simply personal growth. It's a great place to be if you're in that demographic.
Food's good, not great. Some decent Korean in a VA suburb called Annadale, but it's not metro accessible, so you'll not likely frequent it, unless you decide to venture out, maybe using a FlexCar. Arlington and Bethesda are great as well. Metro accessible.
You'll probably be studying the whole time. But, if you get a chance, stick around for an extra year. The people and opportunities are incredible!
Congrats, yeah!
August 13th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
You're going to Johns Hopkins. You're going to D.C. You're going to be in the hot bed of national, international, domestic, foreign, and cultural influences. You will love it and it will love you back. I happen to think you will make your mark in D.C. and we will feel it in Hawaii, and we will feel it all over the world. Get in touch with other folks from Hawaii while you are there. I'm sure there is a D.C. Ohana that will embrace and encourage you. Aloha!
August 13th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Kim,
I can really see that you have cold feet because of all these happenings. I, myself, am going to Hawaii (now for good) per October of this year and it is giving me cold feet as well. I am looking forward to it but at the same time some parts also scare me a bit and I can imagine you will feel the same about it.
All I can say is good luck on the mainland in the coming years and I am sure you will come back to the islands many times in the future.. see it as a temporary goodbye, not for always
August 13th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
You're still so young. Go out and experience life before you get bogged down with a career, marriage, and kids.
Thanks for sharing a bit of your life through this blog. Best of luck to you.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
Well, when I was your age. . . a loooong time ago. . . I moved to Japan to work as a community organizer. Didn't speak Japanese, hardly knew a soul and left my wife of three months back home. I felt many of the emotions you are feeling now but after staying for six years and coming back to Hawaii, I look back on it as one of the best experiences of my life.
It will be the same for you.
August 14th, 2008 at 6:00 am
To Kim
There are a lot of people in the United States who survive on a day to day basis with just a high school degree.
On the flip side, I came across a lot of unemployed people with masters degrees and even PhDs. There are also a lot of unemployed/underemployed doctors and lawyers, especially lawyers.
The reality is that no job is safe. Not in technology, business or even medical. This is also one of the reasons why you should not rush back for more education because you might end up going to school for nothing.
August 14th, 2008 at 7:32 am
As a quarterlifer, I'm wondering when I should be going to back to school too. I wanted to get my masters in information systems but can I give up making the money I'm making now? Will I be more focused than I was in my undergraduate years?
You no doubt seem very smart. Good luck! I think the cold feet is good; makes you feel so alive. You should post in here once in awhile, maybe change it from Quarterlife Cafe to ...Surviving Graduate School. (SGS).
August 14th, 2008 at 8:56 am
There are a lot of great places and lot of good people all over the world -- and not just those living in Hawaii.
These days, it really doesn't matter where you actually live because everybody now lives everywhere they want to live; that's what "communities" are about in this day and age. You belong to the community you want to belong to -- and not just have to fit in because everybody tells you that's how it's going to be, and so the only thing anybody can do in that society, is wait for one of the elders to die so everybody can move up.
That's the mentality starting to overtake the Islands now -- as a lot of the baby boom generation wait and bide their time for the previous generation to pass on. But with life expectancies now approaching the 90s, they may be too old themselves to be able to make something of their lives then.
So when you have that inclination to change and try something different (better), you have to grab it and run with that feeling, or that vital spark dies in you -- as it has in many living in Hawaii, who actually fear to try live elsewhere -- but complain endlessly about their "paradise."
That's not what paradise is.
August 14th, 2008 at 9:55 am
If your goal is to return here, my opinion is that those who serve Hawaii best are those who have spent some time away from the Islands. Why? Because they can see what the Islands are like in relation to the rest of the world--what works elsewhere and what can best be applied here. Like it or not, we are in the age of globalization. Talented residents, like yourself, just have to "get off the rock" for the good of their careers, and the good of this state.
Aside from that, whether your move will lead to a career or not, there is much to be said about "grad school for grad school's sake." It will be a rare opportunity, before becoming bogged down with marriage and mortagage, to just enjoy learning things, meeting new people and having wonderful new experiences. And DC, with either Obama or McCain, will be the center of the universe for the next year. Good luck!
August 14th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Good luck. All the best from an Amherstian to a Williamsite. Take care, and don't forget your small college roots. And enjoy the cold winters again.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:58 am
You'll be fine, Kim. Go with your instincts, work hard and you'll be enjoying the fruits of your labor in no time.
Best of luck!
John
August 14th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Whoa!! When did John Hopkins move from Baltimore to Washington, D.C? Or do they have an auxilliary program in DC these days?
I did a semester's exchange in DC at George Washington University and worked nights at the Washington Post as an undergraduate; 10-plus years later, I was awarded an internship in a US Senate office which later led to a wonderful position with a DC governmental affairs firm. That in turn led me back to Hawai`i full-time with a stop for another graduate degree from a PAC-10 school.
As a Three-Quarters-Lifer myself, I cannot emphasis enough how important it is to meet new people and learn new things.Your choice of study is fantastic - and don't be suprised if you wind up being a Big Cheese in the State Department long before you turn 40.
And, if anyone out there has any doubts about China's becoming a First World Superpower by the time Kim reaches my age, then watch this week's Wide Angle on KHET or on the PBS website. Despite what I thought I knew about China, it turns out that I had not a clue as to how they are preparing for 2030 and beyond.
August 15th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Kim, are you going to be continuing on with this blog - if not - will you be having a blog to keep us all updated? At least the nosier ones of us.
August 17th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
@FirstStep
That's what I'm trying to figure out now. Besides working out a financial arrangement with the Advertiser, I'm also going to have to determine how much time I'll have to devote to blogging. Whether it's through the Advertiser or no, I'll try to find a way to provide at least weekly updates on what I'm doing.
@Capitol - ist
They didn't move! The main JHU campus is still in lovely Baltimore, but the JHU international studies school is on Mass Ave in the DuPont Circle area in D.C.
August 18th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Good for you, Kim! I've thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog over the past year and I hope you continue it! As a kama'aina living on the mainland, I definitely appreciate where I came from. Hawaii is a truly unique, wonderful place.
You'll be fine DC, too. I'm heavily involved in the API community and there are some very eager, intelligent and very impressive young politicos working it on the Hill that I am sure you will meet up with during your tenure there.
Enjoy your continued education (Chinese Studies is especially exhilarating, as well as competitive in this day and age), you are totally doing the right thing, and excel in what you're doing and make the "fam" proud. What is more impressive than anything to me, and I know this is "local bias", is when "local kids" go out into the world, do well and represent Hawaii.
Good luck with everything and keep on blogging!
August 18th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Good luck, Kim.
August 20th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Kim, I'm already missing this Hawaii lifeline. . . .
August 21st, 2008 at 9:55 am
Best wishes to a very classy and professional young lady!
You will do well, people still responding to your write up on KN.
Good to know you have the cold feet. . .you're normal! ! !
Aloha, a hui hou!