Letting go of long-distance
June 11th, 2008 by KimI like to think I’ve given up a lot of the naivete I possessed in high school, but one thing I still can’t get over is the shattering disappointment I felt when I found out that long-distance relationships do not work.
The question inevitably arose at a college information night with seniors I attended at my high school in April: How hard is it to do long-distance? Everyone on the four-person alumni panel gently explained that regardless of how you might feel about your high school honey, 95 percent of these relationships are bound to fail. Nervous laughter followed, with some seniors whispering hopefully: “There’s always that five percent.”
So, the end of the summer after graduation bears down upon high school couples like an enormous tidal wave. And still, they promise to keep in touch, and visit each other, even if one is at NYU and the other at USC, and fuel prices are through the roof. Four months into it, there’s an argument, one becomes interested in a classmate, one gets too busy for the other, and the relationship, so full of hope at the beginning of that summer, ends.
And, in retrospect, that’s not always a bad thing.
When it comes to long-distance relationships, Hawai‘i people really have it rough. Being the most isolated land mass on the face of the earth means that maintaining a relationship with anyone who is not in Hawai‘i will involve a several-hour-long time difference and at least $400 and five hours spent on a plane.
Some couples enjoy the freedom that time away from their partner gives them. This doesn’t necessarily mean dating other people, but concentrating on a job or hobby, or spending time with family members or friends — individuals who might otherwise be pushed to the side once you’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right and start living at his or her house six days a week.
That’s fine if it’s just for a few weeks or months. But what about a few years?
At what point does a long-distance relationship cease being a real relationship?
These are all questions I’ve wondered about, having attempted — and failed at — a number of long-distance relationships in the past few years. Distance was definitely a frustrating factor at the end of each, but I also wonder how much of it was my own lack of maturity at the time.
All these thoughts swirl in my head as I look toward the future. Like many young people who were born and raised in the islands, I’d like to eventually settle in the place where I grew up. But, at 24, I know my days of traveling and living in other places are not yet over. I often wonder what I’m going to do when I’ve finally had my fill of exploring the world and decide to hop a plane back to Honolulu. Who’s going to be sitting next to me?
Or — who’s going to pick me up from the airport?
At some point, it seems likely that long-distance will again have to come into play. When it happens, I’ll still hold out hope that two people committed to each other but separated by thousands of miles can make it work. But, I guess we’ll see. It may be the last remnant of my high school self that I’ll need to let go of.
Tags: relationships, travel
June 11th, 2008 at 6:57 am
Long distance relationships are not for the faint of heart. They can be very trying - but so can proximal relationships. It requires very strong trust, commitment, guidelines, and communication. If you are both career-oriented people and can put your relationship on the back burner for a while, then a long-distance relationship may be for you. It’s all about weighing the ups and downs associated with what you want from your life.
I live on the left coast and she on the right, so there is considerable distance between the two of us. We ‘met’ over 20 years ago via the precursor to the Internet, Bitnet. We lost touch for years as we continued on with our lives until 8 years ago. We see each other, maybe two-three times a year. We usually make a vacation out of it…Hawaii, SF, NY, Boston, Michigan, NH, etc., it works out fine. I hate the cold and she hates the heat so we’re trying to find a middle ground to possibly live.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:23 am
i think long-distance success depends a lot on where the individuals are in their life trajectories. in college, there’s very little certainty or desire to settle down (thank goodness), so long-distance is much harder to manage. but later, when you’re a full-fledged adult with a career, finances, and specific goals for the near future, it is possible… especially when there is realistic intent and active planning for moving to the same place! i married a man whom i dated long-distance for a year. we saw each other once a month, but we both knew the distance was temporary and that i’d be moving near him in a year’s time. i didn’t move because of him — i was just lucky enough to cross his path once i had realized hawaii was back on my radar.
June 11th, 2008 at 9:17 am
I think it goes both ways. In LDRs it’s very easy to not pick up the phone or be too busy to call in order to not deal with things. One the other hand, when you are apart you don’t have physical affection to distract you from dealing with your problems as well.
In the end, all relationships have their problems. It’s up to each side to do what it takes to make things work. And the most important thing to remember is that there is no pride when it comes to love.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Active-duty military folks go through this all the time. I’d guess their failure rate is less than 95%.
BTW, isn’t Rapa Nui more isolated than Hawai’i?
June 11th, 2008 at 11:06 am
That was my problem in my last LDR - although that one was complicated by also being international. Rather than face up to missing her on a routine basis, not interacting with her on a routine basis made it a lot easier.
But if you go that route, you’re experiencing even less of a relationship than the already-diminished pseudo-relationship long distance already entails. At that level, you have to ask yourself: what’s the point?
I’ve seen them work, but I’ve figured out that long distance relationships just aren’t for me. Like you, I’m not sure whether my ability to maturely approach a relationship is the problem or whether physical proximity (in ways other than sex!) is just too important to me.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Also, zzzzzz: the overwhelming majority of military couples I know who make the relationship succeed are married, not dating.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:55 am
“I’ll still hold out hope that two people committed to each other but separated by thousands of miles can make it work.”
You better believe it, it is possible but only if both the persons are willing to put some efford in it
For me, I am born (and officially still living) in the Netherlands and have a fiance living in Waipahu. I am flying back and forth to her (and she to me also). We have an exact 12 hour time difference, the trip to each other takes about 18-24 hours (depending on how long the stopovers are) and the costs are about $1200 - $1400 (outside the season) per flight, so yeah, it is quite a thing to be able to keep up with this situation. It is like living at the exact opposite position on earth.
However, I’ve always said true love knows know limits or boundaries, and this is, well in my personal opinion, really true. We both really try to make it work, at the moment we got a visa application running so we can marry and live together.. I think the marriage will be happening in September or October this year (again not the easiest thing around as lots of friends and relatives will be left behind, but I think it is a choice that one has to make) and then we can finally stay together
The whole process is a long and painful one, though. There is a huge backlog at the immigration services and a lot of personal stuff is going to be on the tables as well in that process. At the moment we use Skype a lot because we can see and hear each other for no costs at all but yeah, it is not the best situation you can have simply because you cannot be together.
I agree when someone says that a LDR is hard to keep up with and that it is easy to jump out of it but I also think that those who actually had a LDR will have a very strong commitment towards each other and, from what I read, those relationships are often the most strongest ones because of everything they went through.
It is hard work but I think true love can overcome all. The 5 percent really excists (and it could be more if more people would be willing to put more effort in their relationships (from both sides that is, of course))
June 11th, 2008 at 11:58 am
As my kids call her kiddingly - ‘ a friend with benefits ‘
June 11th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
There’s an opposite problem some local high school Seniors have: going to the same college that your boy or girl friend attends to maintain the relationship. I haven’t see any of these short-distance relationships succeed either, frankly. I suspect that at least one of the couples has chosen a college that is not right for them, solely because of the romantic aspect, so it all falls apart pretty soon. Life is tough when you’re young, no matter which way one turns.
June 12th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
great blog!! totally sounds like carrie from SATC.
June 16th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I think people spend too much time wanting to just spend physical time together. It’s not the quantity but the quality right? Which is hard as we all have different types of needs and even so far as love languages as that book series suggests.
When I was in love, and not lust or the beginnings of love, but really in love, I did enjoy the seeing, holding, or whatever. But I think what I’ve come to appreciate more than anything else is someone who I can talk to because all that other stuff really can get old. That and if we’re both living out our dreams as that just adds to the conversation and how inspiring is it if your both living what you want.
So if I were to ever embark on a long-distance relationship or give advice to I’d say go for who you can talk to and someone who will follow their dream.
July 25th, 2008 at 7:27 am
Call Distance Long
I like to think I’ve given up a lot of the naivete I possessed in high school but one thing I […]http://www.call-long-distance.com/2008/07/call-distance-long/ […]