Love & sharing a bathroom
February 12th, 2008 by KimCould real estate ever define your relationship?
This article in the NYT on Monday caught my eye. It’s about couples whose relationships are tested when they have to make the big decision about whether to move in together.
Since apartments at reasonable prices are so hard to find in New York,
(s)ome couples move in together rather quickly just because a lease has run out. Some can’t decide who moves where because neither wants to give up a good deal on an apartment. Others make the leap and marry because they fear that a co-op board will reject them if they are just living together. And there are people who rule out potential partners simply because of where they live.
Fabulous apartments at equally fabulous prices are so hard to come by in New York that the possession of one, or lack thereof, can easily tip the balance in a relationship. While major life changes like marriage and children influence real estate decisions in all parts of the country, the scarcity of New York real estate bargains actually seems to cause life changes, or at least push them along.
After reading the article, I wondered if the same principle could apply in Hawaii with our high housing costs. Although, many young people here still live with their parents and are content to do so for a decade or more BECAUSE of the high cost of rent or buying a place. For some reason, there doesn’t seem to be the same mad rush among young Hawaii residents to find their own perfect little studio when the option of just living at home is still available.
How much should real estate be considered when you get into a relationship? If both of you are living in separate apartments, you might want to move in together, split the rent and save hundreds of dollars a month. But then the question is, who has to move?
And what if both of you are still living at home? Would you want to have a little more privacy and rent or buy a place of your own?
Then, the big question becomes: At what point should you move in with your significant other? You’d have to consider not only your financial situation, but whether the experience would make or break your relationship.
I’ve personally seen good and bad examples of couples moving in together. Some still have great relationships and are working through the little sources of friction that suddenly appear when you move in with someone. Other couples haven’t fared so well, and are left with a sticky housing situation when the relationship goes sour.
Anyone have experience? Thoughts? Fairy-tale endings? Horror stories?
Tags: cost of living, Hawaii, housing, New York, relationships
February 12th, 2008 at 4:30 am
From my convservative experience, moving in together isn’t something you should rush into.
While my future wife and I were dating for 7 years, she lived at home and I always paid my own rent. Money never came into the picture the whole time, probably because we could only spend weekends together and her parents had some ground rules (aka curfew) setup. For my other friends, money issues only surfaced when one person was ‘leeching’ off the other (which would eventually lead to more problems).
After getting married, my wife and I rented our first place together and split everything. Worked out well for us, but I guess we had 7 years to get used to each other. Its in big contrast to my parents who got married soon after high school and lived in all sorts of places because my dad was in the military.
Speaking of which, there is a variant of this topic in the military, where a couple will get ‘married’ so that they don’t have the stay in the BEQ (bachelor’s enl. quarters). My co-worker was like this and she was twice ‘divorced’ after being 22 yrs old. But I guess she enjoyed her digs during that time.
February 12th, 2008 at 6:55 am
A big decision is whether you would move in with your significant other’s or spouse’s parents house. It may be the only choice while struggling with your finances. This is especially true in Hawaii with the high cost of living. There are many homes with multiple families and in-laws living together. You just hope that there is an equitable sharing of expenses and that the personal relationships are tolerable. Wife and I had our own small rental apartment when we got married but moving in with her parents could have been an option…got along very well with her mother. Father-in-law…hmmm, that’s another question, taisho that he was.
February 12th, 2008 at 7:46 am
i’ve been lucky enough to live alone here but i know of many couples that have had to ‘make it work’ due to their living situation.
modern couples used to taking the quickest exit are learning how our parents and grandparents did it.
it’s kind of romantic.
February 12th, 2008 at 8:06 am
The only anecdotal information I can share is that I have officially or unofficially lived with all of my girlfriends except for my wife. I mean I live with her now but not when we were dating.
The relationships with the ex-gf’s all failed, and failed badly. I think it had to do with immaturity as well as a true lack of commitment inherent in 2 young people moving in together.
I used to live in Manhattan and I can totally empathize with the tidbits you pulled from the NYT article. But man, I could never make such an important personal decision over real estate.
Besides, after all the failed relationships that people have I don’t see why people are in such a rush to move in together. It’s like having a baby, except less permanent. I mean once you do it and things aren’t going well, the exit plan is horrific and you are going to probably find yourself suing the girl for a mobile phone bill on Judge Judy.
February 12th, 2008 at 8:16 am
I don’t mean to get pious or anything (but I will…eep!). Moving in together as an unmarried couple is risky. Why? Because you’re putting your relationship under the strain of living together under one roof while leaving yourself an easy exit strategy (”we’re not married, I’ll just move out”). It’s different once you are married because you are, for lack of a better term, stuck and *have* to work things out.
That’s why when me and my wife are in a disagreement, the end comes not because one is right and one is wrong, but rather because we found a solution that is the best for both of us.
So I guess being stuck together isn’t so bad at all.
February 12th, 2008 at 9:32 am
I believe this same principle will can apply to Hawaii but maybe its too soon for it to be a common thing. It will probably happen more in the near future if housing prices remain high.
I found something else interesting in the article where a colleague suggested to sublet from him where they ended up marrying. Living together lead them to marraige? How often does that happen?? I thought the article could have covered partners that cohabit rather than those who marry, as that too is a growing trend.
February 12th, 2008 at 10:41 am
my hubby ended up moving in with me and my family after two years of dating. no we weren’t pregnant, but there was so drama with his mom who eventually kicked him out. now nearly 9 years after that fact, we’re married, both have good jobs, i’ve finished my education all the way up to my MBA, and we own our own place now. things between all the families are good again.
it was a bit of a rocky start living with him, but i think all relationships go through that. we both had habits that the other didn’t know about and thats where compromise comes in. besides the annoying habits there are new habits i picked up for the better as well. we were lucky and everything worked out in the end, but living together, at that time wasn’t even something being talked about. if i could do it all over again, i’d rather we have been able to get our own place like responsible adults and not be forced to live with my parents, but again after looking back at where we were and where we are now…i’d say it was okay!
February 12th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Sometimes, sharing a living space with someone other than your spouse can cause problems too.
I used to live with my mom before I got married - just my mom and me in the house. After I got married, my wife and I tried living with my mom but it was difficult. My wife said that she didn’t want to impose on my mom’s house - especially the kitchen and explained that it’s hard for a woman to cook in another person’s kitchen.
I could fully understand where she was coming from and we rented a one bedroom condo where my wife had her own kitchen - to set up her way.
Food for thought…
February 12th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Yeeeeeeahuh.
=D
February 13th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Hey, Juan–Change your blogname to Don Juan!
February 14th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Isn’t the trying and unbridled amounts of time forced to be spent together as a result of this the perfect and true test of a relationship?
February 14th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
I used to sell real estate and saw situations where an unmarried couple purchased a home together. But when there was a falling out, BOTH parties had to agree to sell..and often one or the other would not agree to this. There were also fights about the price, etc. Fireworks! Nasty feelings and hurt that lasted for many years! Advice to couples contemplating this: “Don’t!”